Friday, January 14, 2011

The King of Good Times

Since last year I have been traveling a lot in flights. I mean it used to be exciting when I was child. They used to be a anticipated mode of journey till recently but then I realized its just a big fucking English goof up. Way worse than our dear Inzi bhai.. As you enter the airport the fucking charade just starts off. Let me go step by step.

“Please proceed for the Boarding process”

Now what the fuck is this. Boarding is itself a process. Then why do they need to add process after boarding. Of course it makes it sounds like something big but its just a fucking simple thing to go in the plane. Adding ‘Process’ to it doesn’t make it any special. “ I am heading towards my shit process” Now does this sound fancy to you?

“ This will be a Non stop flight to Bangalore

Oh really I would have enjoyed a flight making stop at every tourist spot coming between DelhiBangalore. And Oh oh I would love to see Juhu Beach. I heard you can see people making out in the open. Fucking retards.

“Please get on the plane”

To hell with you assoles. I am getting ‘in’ the plane. If you want you can very well go and sit ‘on’ the plane. I mean how much logic is required to formulate a simple sentence in English?


I never understand why they have named it this way. Does it have something to do with the air hostess going in and coming out, on regular basis?

“Safety belt Instructions”

Now they (insist)on teaching one of most complicated procedures in the world – How to put on a seat belt. And although nearly all of them are educated enough but you know, it’s so difficult to put a clip in the buckle. I mean its only second toughest thing on the list of ‘putting one thing inside other’ after sex. You know what, I never completely got to know sex so let me start by learning how to put on a seat belt. This is a nice way. Isn’t it?

“Locate your emergency exit”

That is the only part I am interested in. I turned around and saw a fat fuck sitting right next to me. I plan my exit strategy. Get around the fat fuck, step on the widow, push those children, knock down the hot chick and get out of the plane where I can be of help to others. I can’t be of any help if I am lying under fat fuck’s feet. Am i?

“Under unlikely circumstances if Cabin pressure goes down, Breath normally in oxygen mask.”

Unlikely circumstances like “roof getting off”? Anyways I have no issue in breathing normally in those conditions. And you know what, under those conditions I can shit normally also. Can I do that too?

“Under unlikely circumstances if plane makes a Water landing, you can use your seat cushion as the floating device”

Err….water landing or you mean a “fucking crash in the ocean’. Now that is a comfort that I can use my seat cushion as floating device. See that’s what I need to swim across pacific ocean. Right? And you know what, I can play pillow fight with fellow passengers once I get bored swimming in ocean.

“Please collect your Personal belongings”

‘Personal belongings’. Do they think I brought Public belonging like fountain, Mahatma Gandhi’s statue on the plane? How fucking idiotic can these people be?

“On the behalf of bloody bastard airlines, we welcome you to Indira Gandhi international airport.”

Didn’t you ever feel something stupid in this? I mean not something but the whole fucking sentence. How can she welcome me when she is as arriving with me? And moreover the crew doesn’t even get down on the plane before me. They are the last people. How can they fucking welcome ME?

“Local time is 8.15 AM”

What do you expect us to know from you . Time in Honolulu.

I am tired of swearing now. I won’t do it in the remaining post. The only thing which amazes me is how a mistake made by some airline in some time in past is being getting carried on for years. I expected atleast one 12th pass employee in the airline company would have noticed that. Don’t you agree? But I guess these are the bunch of FUCKING MORONS handling the vehicle, flying at 6000 miles per hour at 20000km altitude. Who the fuck made them in charge.

I am sorry for swearing. (Deep breath)