Friday, August 28, 2009

The 'H' factor

Everybody has their unique criteria to begin to hunt for girl. For some it’s the fair colour, for some it’s the vital stats but for me it’s the ‘H-Factor

Yes, the H factor. A for apple and H for height.

They say- 'you get some, you lose some'. I got extra 7-8 pounds, extremely deteriorated sense of humor , extra pair of eyes (specs) and in return I lost 1 foot of my height. I guess i have gained more...rite?

But this H factor has played a vital role throughout my life.

During the school days, in the assembly, queue was formed based on the ascending height order. I used to be the second in the queue from front. Yes! People shorter than me used to exist in those days. Abhishek was there at the first place. Sadly, last time I met him, he was looking down and I was looking up while talking.

Anyways, back in the fifth grade I used to feel proud to lead the assembly queue. Later in the time when hormonal changes occur, hair comes out from all parts of the body and u feel the sensation of pehla pyar pehli pehli baar – it was then I realized that being a leader in the queue is the most stupid thing. People at the back side have the advantage of talking, chatting. But what u gets for being in the front is standing in the attention position for fucking 30 mins in the temp of 45-48 degrees.

The additional advantage for shorter dudes like me was that in our school sitting arrangement was based on height for some duration in some grade. I am not sure of exact figure. Now I used to fall in the average gals height in those days. (Now, I am below average in this category too). So it was the rainy days of my life. The days which every (normal) dude dreams about. Girls all around with only me and Abhishek in the middle and that too when Abhishek was not much of a competition. Yes! I was the prince back then. (Alas, gone are the days! Fuck JEE, Fuck life)

I was proud of my below average height. What to shame about it- (Sir) Sachin is not tall. I used to compare myself with Sachin but later I realize I was the VRV Singh in the talent. And when you have the talent of that level, you ought to have height. But Alas, again.

I used to measure myself on the wall of my house. In my 10th grade I put a mark there and this summer after my graduation, I went home only to find that I am still marking the same height. WTF?

The only advantage which I have still enjoyed till now and hope to enjoy for the coming whole life is instant recognizability.

Gal X: Hey you know that guy from our batch?

Gal Y: Which one?

Gal X: The little guy. The smaller one which looks quite short.

Gal Y (smiling): Yeah, I remember. What about him?

Gal X: He is so hot na! I have a crush on him. [Oh okay, that’s me. Dreaming again.]

My mom used to console me that "don’t worry, there are chances for the height to increase till the age of 21."

21st birthday came and gone.

22 also came and now it’s the turn for 23.

I trust you mama and I am still waiting.

Friday, August 21, 2009

To where I Belong

I belong to a culture where Hostel spirit was everything. People were ready to die and kill for it. It was the pride, it was the reason and it was everything we had back in those days.

Still it’s the same in the jobs except hostels has been replaced by departments or IIT-M/D/B.

To be very true I never understood the concept of groups. During my school days we used to have section wise groups. Then there was internal division in the class which was based on the row u were sitting. Outside the school it was all about DAV/Modern/Modi…etc

In my colony there is a park and division was based on the side of park u live. Then it was inter-colony distribution. If that was not enough, there was inter-municipal ward rivalry thing.

In my college as I have already told it was hostel-branch-IIT madras thing.

In life it’s about north India- State-city wise distribution.

We distinguish on the basis of caste-region-language-complexion-religion and I think the next level will be the dick size.

Seriously just think about it. Then will be the days when blacks will rule. The long oppressed group will rise to the new height of dominance. Sadly the Asians will always be looked down except the situations which the dumb leaders like Bush will create in which our normal growing economy will look shinning like a bright star.

The only thing I concluded that we are all animals with an evolved brain and modified anatomy. We need groups to feel secure. We always keep searching for an identity which can make us most powerful. We keep forming and changing groups.

This day I again feel proud of the terrorist group. Such a large organization with so much regional-lingual diversity is fighting for the common aim. They trust their group. They don’t shift between things. They do whatever needed to be done for group.

I wish if we could learn something from them.

Friday, August 14, 2009

How to get a perfect child in 10 Simple steps

Train journeys have given me so much and especially when they are of 36 hours (Kota – Chennai), the deliverables increases in the same proportion. These long journeys have given me fever, food poisoning and tones of sweat but all that negligible in front of the numerous friends I made and memorable moments I savored.

Once during my second year, I was going back home and we have 2 confirm tickets and 4 people traveling. So it was like 3 people were sharing the side lower seat while 1 person sleeps on the side upper and it goes in order.

Now in our same compartment we have an old dude (quite lean, but awesome hair style and glittering eyes or simply you can imagine the description of Dumbledore). There was this young guy (read ‘chutiya’) who was assisting him. Now this old dude was the head of some youth development orientation program. Or I guess it was just one more shit association which people opens up to satisfy their desire to put fundaes and get funds, after retirement.

Anyways it was quite normal. Old dude manages to pull quite a lot people and the same old crap of westernisation of society, demoralized and uninspired youth were going on. But the good thing was, we the IITians were already enlightened and none of us decided to be a part of this

Later, my turn to sleep came and I acquired the prized birth and started snoring soon enough. After like 2-3 hours, I woke up just to find that the old dude has grasped all the IITians into his claws. And for that he has used the most intelligent tool. The thing which attracts IITians the most – 'SEX'.

I tried to put my ear into the conversation. Our old dude seems to be an expert in this topic. He has explored it all and now he has researched and came out with a perfect timing for sex. According to him for the perfect child the fertilization should be done between 1:30 AM– 1:45 AM.And he has theory of positioning of moon and wind to justify it also.

Now if you think about it sincerely, any idea how you are going to do it?

I prepared a detailed algorithm to give birth to perfect child and here it is:

S-1: Don’t shag or have sex or have sex for 7 days. Save the best swimmers for the main event.

S2: Decide an appropriate night after discussing with your partner.

S3: On the D-day prepare yourself for the D-night. Talk to yourself, get mentally prepared. Have some food with lots of calories.

S4: sleep early. Put an alarm of about 1 AM. Wake up and brush your teeth and have a bath. C’mon man , you are going to be father. You will be the role model for him/her.

S5: Start the foreplay at sharp 1:15.

S6: Move to lower base at 1:27

S7: Start the intercourse at 1:32

S8: Climax at 1:40

S9: Start praying.

S10: if it ain't work go to S1 and practice harder.

Now I know why we say 'practice makes a man perfect'. Its the practice of parents that made the child( going to be man/woman in future) perfect. [:P]

In the end, getting a perfect child is not so difficult. Isn’t it??

Friday, August 7, 2009

Movie request app

Have you ever experience the shame , the embarrassment when some girl refuses right on your face when you ask her out. I am sure its in our destiny.

But a great idea strikes my mind this morning. If we can have friend request, why can’t we have movie request or say coffee request or even dinner request.

Seriously guys, it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out and then you need some more courage to prepare yourself for the 99% sure answer – ‘NO’

You see this request app thing will make the life so easy. What you have to do is just go to the profile, click ‘Will you go to movie request’ and leave it. Come back after some time. If its ‘yes’ then fine otherwise Tera Patrick is always at our service.

Moreover, it will save us from the embarrassment we face when we get the refusal.

It’s also great for girls. Now they don’t have to justify their answer everytime whenever they say ‘No’. It’s really tough for them also when every other guy is asking them for it. So just click the button ‘NO’ whenever such request comes and you can chill peacefully.

I am really amazed why nobody hasn’t got this idea till now.

I have seriously started believing that I am from future stuck in this 21st century due to some time machine crash or I have been send back in time for some great purpose.

But as I always say – ‘Lets See’


Last night I was having dinner with my friends and one of them told me that she wants to write a book on drug addicts. We discussed it for a while and later while coming back to my place I realized that it’s a brilliant and one of the toughest jobs.

I came back to my room, changed and jump on to my ongoing TV series- Dexter. Now for all those who don’t know about dexter, it’s a Tv series featuring a serial killer. He was taught by his father, only to kill those who have escaped the traditional legal system or were never suspected in the first place. {wikied}

Anyways I switch on the show and in the middle of that show there is a scene where a character defines the mental state of addicted. It was a really beautiful description or as I find so. Hence I decided to share…here it is:

I could possibly feel that need.

Like a thousand hiding voices whispering,

"This is who you are. ..…"

And you fight the pressure,

The growing need rising like a wave,

Prickling and teasing and prodding to be fed.

But the whispering gets louder

Until it's screaming, "now!"

And it's the only voice you hear...

the only voice you want to hear….

And you belong to it,

To this... shadow self.

To this... …..dark passenger.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Changing Time

I was a firm believer of god. Then I lost my faith and with due time I regained it but in quite different form. I don’t go to temple, I don’t pray but I trust God. I started accepting what all happens in my life without any fight or reasoning. I trusted that whatever happens, happens for the best. May be it’s just another compromise with life and I am naming it as faith.

So whatever it is, lately I am started having all the doubts again. I have started reasoning the purpose behind every event. Life is so peaceful when you believe someone controlling your life for good. But it becomes really complex when it goes other way round. So I guess this part is going to be there in my life for sometime now.

I had my convocation done this Friday. I am officially a B.Tech engineer from IIT Madras. But this event made me realize one thing.

Till now I was telling myself that things will be more or less same. All of my friends will be nearby and we will be in constant touch. But convo made me realize that life will take a different course now. I don’t know whether it will be good or it will be bad, but it will be different for sure. Anshul is in Mumbai, Sajal’s location is still unidentified, ravi is in Bang, sumedh is between IIT and Banglore, Satyan took the fight to Amsterdam, Ashutosh joined the family business and Phani will be in 4 continents in next 2 years.

I guess this transition is getting into my head. I need some more time to figure out what I want in my life. Till then 'Beroe-zgaar' it is.

PS: Beroe is the name of my company i am working.