Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Office Humour - 1

Last night I was thinking to write something but the most irritating thing was, I was not able to find anything in my life worth writing. Nothing funny, nothing weird and not even regular sheer bad luck fiascos of my life. All good, better, ok, worst part of my life is office now. Its not that, I don’t find things happening in office deviated from normal but I prefer not to mention them in Public blog. Ok let’s say until I am working for this firm, Employee non-disclosure agreement prohibits me to. But then today, I realized that I can write on a general principle/policy/Mail-by-HR-for-getting salary which is followed throughout the world. So the first thing which came to mind was this piece which I did on this Diwali as my stand-up-comedian stint (stunt as you better say).

Corporate firms have so many great noble thoughts for their employee. Like they take so much extra efforts to keep them motivated (yeah yeah, I am expecting appraisal next month). Every company has Buddy/mentor/a guy-to-whom-you-never-talk policy where a guy working in the firm for long is assigned to you and you can discuss about your personal/work / pantry food / flush in urinals/hot chick coefficient related issue. I mean they put it this way on paper.

But do you really think it ever happens. The thing is we guys never talk about our personal issues with other guys. We go and ask for fag, we ask for score or sometimes deadlines too but we never ever talk about the roommate listening ‘Tum Mile’ songs from last 1.5 months everyday and neither about the cocky reliance cell alarm buzzing for 2 hours every morning. And trust me, these issues effect your efficiency and that too in badly.

So I have a suggestion for the corporate firms – Change your policy. Don’t scrap it but modify it. I recommend ‘GF Policy’.

Just think, you enter into the office first day and a GF is assigned to you. Now the purpose of your GF is to listen your blah blah, console you while you are sobbing after project review and keep you motivated.

The two most important things which a company demands from a employee is quality and meeting-the-most-unrealistic-deadline-potential. How my suggestion touches upon both the issues, let me explain you with two examples:

Example 1: Mr M has a tendency to leave the office at 8(though office timings are 6:30). Now the manager has a concern that Mr M is not working at full efficiency. He follow the top down approach that is Manager>> HR >> GF. The action is immediately taken and GF approach towards Mr M.

GF – Hey sona, why don’t you complete this work by 9 so that I can submit a report on this by 10 and then we will go for a beautiful dinner. Tum kar loge na jaanu?

Mr M: haan haan, kyun nahin.

Result: Mr M worked continuously from 11-8:30 and get the work done before the given time limit. Job well done!!

Example 2: Mr M is not able to understand a completely new industry, contact experts and suppliers, write a 80 page report along with editing, formatting in 3 weeks. In case, he completes it by above mentioned way then the quality is missing. Again the same cycle Manager >> HR >> GF.

GF: you know what, sheena is teasing me from the morning that Pratik’s report has got a great feedback and you reports is back with a lot of corrections asked again. You know how much hurt i am.You never think about me.

Mr M: no no dear, its not like that. Pratik worked on a report done before and I am working on a completely new industry.

GF: I don’t want excuses. Just tell me- wheter you will get a great feedback for your next report or not?

Mr M..ahh…. Definitely dear. Anything for you…

SEE job well done again!!

So that’s my point. A little changes in the policy and get the desired results. I guess I will be busy with some of my personal commitments (trust me, no gal involved this time. I mean except the one , my brother is marrying) for the coming few weeks but I have decided to keep my eyes/ear open and mouth shut and document some more of the office humor.

PS: Its like a dream coming true. My bro is getting married in Dec. Though he ditched me on the common wedding day plan but I forgive him whole heartedly for giving me the best gift ever – Boni Bhabhi. The day which we imagined so many times, in all so many different scenarios is finally here.

Monday, November 16, 2009


For the past few weeks life has been so damn busy that only thing for which I try to sneak free time is reading articles on Sachin. It has been my only entertainment source and specially completing 20th year and all the media limelight and tones of articles is taking up all the time. Personally, the record of 2 decade doesn’t excite me because I have been cheering all through his career and I don’t need a day when I should stop and look back at all the great moments. The time to retrospect is still not here and I don’t want to feel that way now for sure.

The only thing that forced me to write today is a comment from Imran Khan. In his own words- “If there is one area in which Sachin is ahead of his contemporaries, it is focus. Inzamam-ul Haqwas possibly even more gifted, but Sachin was more successful due to his commitment and focus”

Dude… are you serious ? Only ‘focus’ ? ? That’s all he has ? ? Or it is the only English word you know?

And who is this Inzy??

The same guy who is famous for getting himself out in the most bizarre fashion possible. I guess I remember him falling on to his own wicket after an attempted sweep shot. Yeah, now I remember. He is that same fellow who starts every prize presentation ceremony with "Bismillah(In the name of Allah)” followed by a rape session of the English language along with “ladke acha khele” & “allah ka shukra hai”

I so badly want to rape this moron named Imran khan, always living in a self created illusion that Inzy is the best and that he was the one to identify him. I agree he is good, probably best in the last decade of Pakistani cricket. But for being great- you need much more than focus. You should be able to balance yourself atleast, that is for sure. If you don’t want to join the party, sit back and watch a hugh grant movie. Dont start blabbering around.Rameez is perfectly doing this job on your behalf. I am sure, it must be a dream job for him. Saying anything and getting paid.

There is so much more to write but deadlines, CFA & CAT…..whoof!!

I should get back to work.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Master, Idiot and a friend

Today was the day when the long lasting wait of 11 years comes to end. The day which will be marked in history, in memories and in cricket books forever. The man has showed his metal again. Proved again why he is a genius. The master was always there but today it was blaster yet over again. You can feel from the moment he threw the ball on ground in disgust after taking a superb catch off the last ball. The fire was there. Determination oozing from the body language.

The target was never supposed to be achieved but it was a matter of good fight for all the world except one. He who was sure that nothing is impossible. Rest of the team was trying to be a part of a lost battle but a single soldier lead the whole battle alone. He used all his experience. Gave strike to sehwag, took control after he departs, torn away the debutants, conserved his energy for a while foreseeing the fierce last round. Everything was way too perfect, completely planned. The sprain was not there, the straight lofty shots over the bowlers head were back and even a pull displayed a long forgotten weapon.

But no matter how much you plan or get determined, the body asks for his debt. But today there was nothing which could come in between him and his target. The army was strong on papers but the target to conquer defeated them without even trying. The master then used the new soldiers who were unaware of the fear, who was there happy on the chance of being on the other end of the master. But sight of a single man fighting alone, gave the strength to them which they never would have imagined.

Pointing was helpless, hauritz was torn apart and Watson was ineffective. The victory was near but a desperate attempt to reach it faster took it all away. The rest was just a trump of cards running wildly on the field in the hope of win. But ozzies was cautious and they made no mistake. Still the master has taken the pride of victory from them. The game will be remembered for just one person and his brilliant efforts.

In our society we used to play cricket like everyone. We used to keep a brick as the bowling end stumps and the probability of hitting it was like 1/Avogadro number. Consequently, we used run to the middle of the pitch each time the ball connected the bat and still managed to return safely. Especially if the other team consists of players like Lala, Munna, Raju and Kallu. May be its time for Jadeja to realize that international cricket has nothing similar to galli cricket. There are 3 stumps (covering a total area of 0.1 sqaure metres) at the bowling end to aim at while the opposition has players like Ponting whose probability of missing the stumps is as much as the probability of seeing Halley's comet. Stop running around you fucking idiot.

It was all the fucking nostalgic feeling all over again today. 1 more great friend left the place for a better future. I never thought after coming out of IIT. I could meet a person with such a same frequency but I was way too wrong. It all started with the little break session, followed by combined studies and then reached to 24*7 fart level. Mudit was the finance god as it was told me but he was much more than that. The greatest taste of music I ever seen in a person, a friend, a mentor, a philosopher (yeh to LOL ho gaya). Okay to be very true, he was one more guy in my life with whom I have evolved in life. I realized so many things about people, about world and about myself. Life in Chennai was so much fun with him and it will not be same now. It so fucking awful when you are not the person leaving the place. But nothing can fade away the memories of the night we ‘Stripped’ [not literally, its just the tag given to the night of self exploration). "ek baar 3 log bike par ja rahe the"....... i promise they will go again some day

All the best dude!! Keep rocking the world!!

PS: LCP rocks [:D]