Saturday, January 30, 2010

Movie Review of 'Rann' - RGV has done it again

I just came home after watching Rann. The new flick directed by RGV, stars Amitabh Bachchan, Ritesh deshmukh, Paresh Rawal, Gul Panag etc etc. In 1 line –the movie is insanely awesome. RGV has done it again. It is a masterpiece to accompany the legendary RGV ki AAG which, for a long time now was the sole heir to the throne of shitty crap.

Few months back there was a rumour that some blah blah director is planning to make an on screen version of Mahabharta but later it was said to be back in the box. Seeing Rann made me believe again that RGV has taken up the task in his hand now. Every single character gives his best of the ‘hoo-ha-ha-ha laugh’ and tries to make it as worse as is possible. Plus the ‘Vedic Hindi’ they use while conversing makes your belief rock solid about the under table preparation of the epic Mahabhartha.

Talking about the script, it was as if RGV had asked Nisha Kothari to write the story since she didn’t have anything to do. The characters in the movie are so fucketti-fucketti-fuck that you are not able to move your eyes off the screen because you don’t want to miss a single weird expression displayed by them.

Lets talk about the characters one-by-one:

Amitabh Bachchan: For the first 1.5 hours, you believe it to be another of his cameo appearance, which changes when he is given full fledged 15 mins of hard hitting, punching-right-in-the-face kind of speech/dialogue/blah blah at the end of the movie.

Ritesh Deshmukh: Seeing him reminded me of the ‘Great’ Ashish Nehra. You remember, whenever he used to come out to bat, his face used to have an expression as if he is asking himself that ‘what is this ?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ Or even ‘what I am supposed to do?’ He used to stare point blank at the bowler, keeper, fielders and crowds, as if telling them – “Look guys, I am an innocent guy. I don’t know what is going on here and I have been just asked to go down with a bat which btw I don’t know how to handle and that’s what I am doing. So please don’t blame me.” Ritesh is able to keep the same confused expression through out the movie, without any variation, scene by scene (Standard deviation of Expression (σ) = 0) but in the last you get to appreciate his guts. Who else could have done such justification to the role.

Gul Panag: I guess she was in such a trauma, after being paired with an expression-less Ritesh that she even wore a t-shirt with the caption ‘50% single’. Remove the lovely hair style and those TWO BIG ………………………….. err… eyes and even Nisha Kothari would have done the role.

Neetu Chandra: oh I am sure about this. She was made to watch Nisha Kothari classics and asked to bring on those same epic performances live on screen again.And what can i say. She has done it brilliantly, leaving no stone unturned.

Sudeep: Oh Man!! He was the real gem. RGV ke tarkash se nikal hua ek aur teer jo aapke dil to tar-tar kar dega. Welcome – ‘Gents Nisha Kothari’ on his screen debut. He delivers the dialogues as if something is stuck in his ass and he is applying tones of pressure to get it out. He moves his hand faster and more frequent than what Dhoni does while batting. Plus 98% of the time he was found trying to smoke the unlit fag but to compensate for that he opens and closes his click-wala-lighter so much that you right way put this lighter out of your top 10 wish list. It’s a perfect example of Ajit Agarkar, who can single-handedly turn any winning match to a lost cause.

Paresh Rawal, Rajat Kapoor and others were light ra mama. But the show stealer was the ‘buddhi maa of Paresh Rawal’ and the ‘right-hand-man of Paresh Rawal’. The Buddhi Maa’s role is awesome. She sits in front of the TV watching a Champion’s league match, expression less. Her son becomes PM, she is expressionless.Her son do hoo-ha-ha-ha and she is still expressionless. I mean you see her in the background, you see her in the front and she is amazingly expressionless every single time.

The right-hand-man is also the same expressionless guy. The best part is that he has more screen time than Amitabh Bachhan and yet you never hear a single word from him. You never even come to know his name. Who else can be a better actor to depict Nakul/Sehdeva of Mahabharata.

I guess RGV has taken his obsession of the weird camera angle on to a new level. He was best in Company, good in Sarkar, Bad in Sarkar Returns, worst in RGV Ka Hagaap but this time he has gone beyond all the boundaries. Some time you find yourself moving on your seat trying to catch a glimpse of the faces of the actors, which he seems to have shot from between the handle of the tea-cup.

I guess there is lot more I can write about, such as the hot chicks in the News channel office, ‘Dummies for Windows 98’ in Amitabh Bachchan’s room but I leave it for you to find out.

For me it was complete paisa vasool. In 120 bucks, so many ideas for a post. What else do you want. (:

PS: Yes I am obsessed with Nisha Kothari and as well as with Himesh.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Seasonal Tag

Tagging season is back In business and I have ben recently tagged by Nipun. No more running around the bushes. Directly to tag:

1) What is your current obsession?
Sherlock Holmes ‘back again’ and Michi ‘forever’ and Anshul 'Rocks'

2) What are you wearing today?
Today is Friday, so I dedicate it to ishqiya….a baniyan and a ‘flower print’ shorts

3) What’s for dinner?
2 fags, 3 polo and 1 omlette

4) What’s the last thing you bought?
Smirnoff (green apple), Antiquity (blue) and Bacardi (Limon)……its party time fellas :)

5) What are you listening to right now?
Out of Ashes by Chester Bennington's ‘Dead by Sunrise’

6) What do you think about the person who tagged you?
Nipun: Why would I think about him? When I have to talk to him, I buzz him. Why the hell I would think, let go Nipun but even about for any guy in the world.

7) If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the
world, where would you like it to be?
I guess just adjacent to my neighbor’s home. (Killer shot !!)

8) What are your must-have pieces for summer?

9) If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
I would love to go above so many people….Keira, Katrina, Celina…..Oh shit wait I have to change my shorts now. Damn you perv ppl!!

10) Which language do you want to learn?
Na'vi language

11) What’s your favourite quote?
Lite ra mama!

12) Who do you want to meet right now?
Sachin, sachin and sachin!!!

13) What is your favorite timepass?
Newspaper in the bathroom, sitting above the pot

14) Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Big round glasses with hair dripped in coconut oil – for good grades
White pants, red shirt, white shoes, black goggle (yes just like jeetender style) – for being a New Year party superstar
Half grown moustache with barely visible goatee – for public embarrassment, harassment and molestation

15) What is your dream job?
Movie critic-sit back, enjoy and write crap….Plus you get paid for it.

16) What’s your favorite magazine?
Satyakatha, Manohar kahaniyaan, Mastram – if you haven’t got ur hand on them, trust me- 0ne of the best reads of life.the imagination, writng and the words are so beautifully jelled together to get your gel out.

17) If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
‘ghar par ek beemar baap, boodi ma aur kunwari behen hai ‘ …what do you think I will do ? Yes, you are right. It’s party time fellas!!

18) What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Shahrukh’s kuch kuch hota hai’s Body hugging T-shirts

19) Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam’s hairstyle

20) What kind of haircut do you prefer?
Anything unless it is under 20 bucks.

21) What are you going to do after this?
Curse Nipun some more for this looooong …….. Tag

22) What are your favourite movies?
Gunda, Luck, Jo bole so nihaal,Kasam paida karne wale ki, and any hindi-dubbed-telugu film.

23) What inspires you?
Tushar Kapoor having Anjana Sukhani in Golmaal 2

24) What do your friends call you most commonly?
Akha India apun ko Punchar ke naam se janta hai. Kya naam se? Punchar ke name se!!

25) Would you prefer coffee or tea?
Add some lime, pour some scotch and I will even drink ‘heritage vanilla flavored sweet milk’

26) What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
I decide to go and become prof and suddenly, I realize what I am doing with my life and soon everything comes back on track.

27) What makes you go wild?
ummm…a nude girl beneath my sheet.

28) Which other blogs do you love visiting?
ohhh wait…..sorry ‘ Low disk Space’….cant mention all but anything even slightly on the line of insanity, attracts me

29) Favorite Dessert/Sweet?
Did I mention polo and chlormint before?

30) How many tabs are turned on in ur browser right now?
11 in Chrome, 8 in Mozzila, 3 IE

31) Favorite Season?
Season 2 – TBBT and PB/Dexter- season 1

32) If I come to your house now, what would u cook for me?
Are you kidding me…I will give you a bean bag, at max to get ur ass down and don’t forget to thank me for it. Okay okay, I will give you a Minto-fresh also.

33) What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Revenge is dish best served cold.

34) What are you afraid of the most?

35) When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you
Is this really me or this is matrix. This is just an imagination overlapping the realms of reality. I must take the control of mind to see the real world. Oh crap, I am late for office again.

36) What brings a smile on your face instantly?
A girl in the mini skirt…..oh you are talking about face. Sorry, I read something and thought something else. Well then it would be statements issued by Pakistan Cricket Board

37) A word that you say a lot?
Do swearing counts as a word too??

38) What would you do if you were made President of India for one day?
Enact the President rule

39) What is that one thing that keeps you going.
Second hand victor GX 2005 model

40) Who was your first love?
My sister’s Barbie doll.

I Tag – who-so-ever want to get tagged and gagged is most welcome to be my guest.

Rules for those who are tagged:

Respond and rework – answer these questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own, and add one more question to the list. Then tag eight or ten other new set of people.

(Please follow the procedures. Following this will bring good luck, money, wives, gfs. Ignore this and you will rot in hell, your dick will be chopped, your balls will be fired and you will be butt-fucked by elephant till eternity.)

PS: CID on Sony Channel rocks. If you haven’t started following it, do it from today. Must Must watch!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Michism - 1 / TOW the Condoms

I was feeling good this morning. Not like I was not feeling sleepy as usual but last night I did 3 good things, so I was feeling nice. Now 3 good things is generally one good thing, three times (done thrice) for me [;)]

But this time it was three all different things.

No, I haven’t invented some new technique to do the single good thing that all men/boys/children do.

But this time I read, I thought and I wrote and that too all in one night.

So, coming back to the point, I was reading this blog as per my official responsibilities and it reminded me of 3 good things.

[Now you can see why I started with 3 good things, you can see the similarity, the logic behind the start…c’mon don’t say it is lame!!]

Lemme describe the 3 good things to you:

1) 1) Michi: He is a person whose folk tales are famous around the country. He is more famous than any of his contemporary engineers, not because of his shear engineering capabilities but because of the games life plays with him. I am working a wiki entry + 13 fully dedicated blog post to him.

2) Uncle: He is a very important character of the story. He is funny, he is mysterious, he is a great salesman and above all he is a perv.

3) Michi: Now Michi is always a double product packaged into one. Its like, when you think the beer in the can is over; 2-3 drops always come out again. This is what Michi is. Whenever you believe, Life has done substantially bad to him; he finds some more ways to get himself further screwed.

Oh, there is one more character: Joshi…but don’t bother about him. He is just a looser who happens to be at the right place on the right time or at the right place on the wrong time (Note: wrong time for others). He neatly shoots it, documents it and then spreads it. He is a pro!! But we will have half or might be 3/5th of a post on him soon.

It was the year 2003. We were a bunch of 3 dudes who used to behave like idiots and expected to some day get their story turned into celluloid. [You can see the master plan worked actually]. So the plot started with a birthday invitation for a friend’s birthday party. We decided to oblige him with a gift and decided to contribute 35 bucks each...Oh I am sorry, but that was some other incident. I will get back to it in some other post…

So the following was the real incident. Me and Joshi were waiting for Michi in the market. Now Michi has a family filled with a whole lot businessmen. One of his uncles had his drug store in the market. Michi always believes in saving two things: time and money, and even more money.

So, while we were waiting, we got a call from Michi that he is on his way and asked us for a favour to buy some drug for his next door aunt.

[Have you ever seen the kind of guys who keep trying to impress the local aunts and uncles to get a chance to sleep with their daughters?! Michi was not like that. He was different.

His shear passion were the aunts themselves.]

He specially asked us to get the medicine from his uncle’s shop and tell his name, so that we can avail some special family discount.

So, me and Joshi after cursing Michi for all his family-boy-kinda-duties-he-perform, headed towards the drug store and asked for the medicines as told to us.

Meanwhile, this was the age when we used to have limited access to porn. The posters of the B-grade films, Saturday film section in newspaper and Pooja Bedi with her Marilyn Monroe act in “pehla nasha” were the only resources we had.

While in the drug store, how could we miss watching the aesthetically-taken-erotic-pics printed on the condom packets?!

The uncle, who was a sharp salesman as I mentioned before, observed this and moved a little towards us from across the counter and in a very low voice whispered: “chaiye kya??”

Fk man!! This was the most shocking moment of my life after when I was caught…err...let’s keep it secret. So, as the general behaviour theory says:

Step 1: Behave Innocent.

Step 2: Keep behaving like that until you get the chance to run.

Me/Joshi – We don’t want anything like that uncle. We don’t even know what that is.

Uncle: Naa naa, don’t worry. We have all the flavours. You like mango, we have that also. [For once I thought that it will be a good idea to fill some ice and make an ice candy but the imagination of final product was so gross that I couldn’t speak for the remaining part. Joshi handled it.]

Joshi: Uncle, we are just kids. We are really not interested.

Uncle: Arey beta, it’s ok. There is a first time for everyone.

Twist - Michi Enters

Michi: Namastey chachaji ! How are you? These are my friends. I send them to take medicine from you. Can you arrange for that quickly?

Joshi: Dude, ask your uncle that we are not here to buy cooo…[ he was not even been able to complete that sentence, when the uncle interrupted in between]

Uncle: Arey beta, its fine. Give me 2 mins. I will arrange everything. You all wait outside.

We didn’t tell Michi the whole part of the story at that time, but during the course of life, we have raped him so much on this incident that he has stopped referring to all his family members’ shop.

What do we get?

Freedom from Michi’s recommendations/orders and plus now we know a place where we can get flavored condoms and that too without being asked.

Hail Michi!!!

Friday, January 15, 2010

On love and Relationship - 2

I have always been a great fan of Vatsa. In fact he was one of the people who were my source of inspiration for blogging. But lately I have been out of touch from his site. The reason – lack of shitoons. Now all of you who don’t know Vatsa, he is a great writer. he has a great site where he write about his experiences in life Plus He has a special section on his site called ‘shitoons’ where he draws cartoons depicting the shit around us. So this week, finally one more shitoon came up and I went back to site and came across this article.

Now in the article, Vatsa has beautifully and I must say daringly represented his take on his feeling about love and relationship. Now the feelings are very complicated things especially when they keep changing with time. Some people say, it’s a sign of growing and some say, you are going crazy. So whatever may be the reason, the post helped me to figure out a tones of things about myself, the side of myself from which I was not aware.

Note: From here on ‘Feeling’ represent love/pyaar/infatuation etc etc.

I had a strong bonding from feelings since I was 5 year old. it started with my first love at the age of 5, then it switched on to a English teacher, a new girl coming to school in grade 6 and many more till I get off to college.

I got into my first serious relationship during the freshmen year of my college. It went on for 2 years. One of the best time of my life. Although it ended disastrously. And it was so much horrible that the folk tales are still heard and said in the countryside areas.

But this relationship taught me so much. First thing was, she made me realized about the importance of being a good person in life. I was a really selfish, self engrossed kind of person before i met her. Always aiming for the things, for which I was not meant for. She helped me to realize, who I really am. What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses. I guess that was the first step of my life towards growing as they say.

So after my relationship ended, I didn’t feel to go in the relationship for a year. I guess I was still not over her.

But after that I felt that the best way to ‘move on’ is to get a new love. But as they say, you never get the love when you search for it. But I kept on trying. In next one year I met with a series of girl only to realize that if a girl is cute, then she don’t have sense of humor. If she has sense of humor, then she is not able to understand me. The only girl who came closest to my heart was this girl to whom I met in train last Jan. We became friend, used to talk once or twice a week. It was the last time that I really felt something for someone. It went on for 6 months. But she was committed. Never got the guts to mention anything.

After all the chatting, texting, one night stand kind of escapades, I finally realized - What I really want in a girl?

Now I am very much sure that 87.35% of guys don’t know what they want in a girl. There primary factors of evaluation are:

Cuteness and hotness.

That’s all they see and they can’t even differentiate between the two terms.

Cuteness can make your face smile while hotness brings a smile to your dick.

But during the course of time, I figured out that there is so much more which I want in girl. Factors mentioned are in priority order.
She must be able to talk sense and understand my nonsense. The first part is easy but trust me it’s the second one which limits my choices so much.
I realized that in my relationship, I can’t be the one consoling the partner. I need someone who can handle me and my weird ideas and keep me moving in the right direction. (Oh, BTW I was talking about the life in last sentence: D]
This factor is kind of weird. For me the voice of girl really matters. The reason I guess is, god has blessed me with such a beautiful high pitch voice that people mistake me and my mom on call so I just want to have my children a bare minimum average voice.
Height. But it’s not more of a choice then a constraint for me.

So I guessed figuring out this thing is so much essential for a guy, because many time we see a cute girl , we put fight for her, if god is with us we might get the girl only to screw up everything since compatibility will not be there.

After figuring out who I really am knowing what I really want was a big step. I thought I know much about life and I am ready for it.

But to be true, the relationship may have ended 2 years ago but I still had feeling for my college ex-gf. I mean seeing her in college used to make my heartbeat jump like anything. There was never been a single day in my life for 2 years after the relationship ended, when I didn’t think about her.

Anyways my college was over. I was set for a job in Delhi. But the fucking recession/bad luck/talent – everything came together and I end up having a better job in Chennai.

I was back in the city again. One day, accidentally I met my college ex gf again. We started talking and hit off quite well. Initially I thought its destiny and we are soul mate, made for each other etc etc. kind of thing in my life. It went on for a couple of month. I had a decent time. We talked, we fight. Regular friendly stuff.

But one day, after spending a great day with her, I was coming back to my place and the only thought in my mind was of " how to pain Anshul". I mean there was nothing about her. This was the first time in my life, when I am not able to or wanted to think about her.

That day, I realized that I was just running for her because I never got the proper closure. We talked for 2 months and cleared a lot of things, unsaid feelings were shared and everything which was an open file was sequentially closed. This was new to me since I felt that I have changed a lot in last 2 years and I don’t want to be with her since both of us are quite different people now. We both want different things in life.

This was a big step of my life. I realized that there is nothing more important in my life then my friends and my family, who were there for me during the hardest period of my life. These are the people who have made the journey of my life, most memorable one and they are still making it.

But then again, the same question. The girl was perfect for me in terms of the criteria, I had in mind. I thought I wanted her for my lifetime. Both my belief were shaken. I was still standing with the same question: who am I and what I want?

In the past 3 months and specially in last 3 nights after reading the Vatsa's post, I have been able to figure out that people change in life. They grow. Their expectation changes.I can be whoever I want, If I am serious about it. You strengths can turn out to be your weakness and you can convert tour weakness into strength. So important thing is to know, what you want in life. I am sure that Family and Friends tops the list by miles. Rest of the things will be figured out with time.

About the relationships, I met a lot of girls in last 2 years. Some of them were really wonderful but I chickened out every single time. Sometime because they don’t use to fit in the profile of the girl I wanted, other time because I guess I was afraid to go into relationship. And not to mention, there were times when I was ditched in a plain and simple manner.

In general, I like to behave as a desperate guy because this is the part of my image, my friends are well aware of and they enjoy it. I also enjoy it when they enjoy Plus I guess I was a little desperate in order to get over the feelings of my ex-gf.

But now I feel that, I don’t have any emotional baggage. I am enjoying my single life. I have got great friends. Yeah I agree sometimes I feel that it would be better if i have someone with me. But that feeling comes and goes. The best thing for me is when I go to sleep, I don’t have any thoughts. I am getting the most calm sleep of my life.

What I know is, I am not going to try for any girl. If I ever come across an interesting girl, and we hit it well then I am not going to chicken out and I am not going to measure her with my 6 point criteria.

I will go where the life takes me because I enjoy the uncertain flow of life.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Across the Cubicle - Office Humors 2

Boss: Good work. Keep it up !!

Me: (looking down at my pants and then up): Sure sir! I will try my best

And I departed with a smirky face


Kamla [a colleague/Mentor] (from across the cubicle): Come here, I will show you.

Me: No I don’t want to see it

Kamla: You won’t understand until you see this. Its quite complicated

Me (with a smirk face): That must be interesting. Coming in a sec


Kamla (from across the cubicle): Take this.

Me: Its so slim dude

Kamla: Yeah I know. Now Insert it

Me: It’s not going

Kamla: let me see. Oh damn! You have inserted in the reverse position.

Me: But it was still going inside

Kamla: It goes both ways. It’s a special Pen drive

Mayank [ a colleague and only colleague ] (from the adjacent cubicle): Niiiiceeee!!


Colleague (peeing in the adjacent cubicle Urinal): Hey wassup !!

Me: (looking down at my pants and then up): Nothing much……..Literally. (Still thinking, what he meant exactly)


Overheard this conversation between two Colleague who are coincidentally room partners too

Colleague 1: Dude, I was not able to sleep last night

Colleague 2: Me too. It got really hot last night.

Colleague 1: No I am talking about all the noises you make in bed. Why you are so loud?

Colleague 2: And what about you? Why do you always have to smoke after everything?

Colleague1: lets discuss this later. First let’s talk to landlord and get the AC repair.

Me: Smiling while sitting at his desk

Monday, January 4, 2010

Sleeping off and 2010

Dear Friends,

Hope all is well at your end. I am fine here too. First of all I want to wish you all a great great 2010 filled with hope, success, joy, promotion, bonus, salary hikes, sex and liquor. I had a great starting for this New Year where I partied with all of my friends (nearly) and my cousins. I am really keen to know about your celebrations and New Year resolutions.

This December has been the busiest, eventful and one of the greatest period of my life. During December I travelled across places, met new people, saw my bhai getting married to one of the coolest girl I have I ever known. I went to 5 of the 6 METRO cities of India – Chennai, Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore and Kolkata

It all started with the first weekend of December when I went to Mumbai for my exam, followed by a trip to Kolkata next weekend to attend the marriage of my bro, travelled to Kota via Jaipur to attend the reception and spend a week at home and blew the steam off. The following 3rd weekend was in Delhi where I catch up with so many of my old friends. The last weekend was comparatively chiller when I saw 5 movies, slept 16 hours a day. A typical Chennai weekend. This one was again a rocking one when people from over the place gathered in Bangalore for the New Year celebration and I got chance to catch up with friends and family again.

Anyways my point is - In the last 1 month I have been sleeping at all sort of places except my bed. I have been sleeping in chair, train, flight, bus, auto, tempo, car and even on bike. All these travelling and sleeping escapades have taught me so many things which I have jotted down for all you people.

Key Take Away Points:

1. Do not ever, Never drink before the night of travel or you may or you will end up filling 5 air sickness bag on-board

2. Sleeping while sitting behind a bike is a really bad idea especially when you wear a specs. Keywords: Bump on road, friends shoulder, specs, nose+eyes

3. Before sleeping, Explain clearly in written form to autowallah where u want to go. Particularly in Chennai. otherwise invariably in all other cases you will end up in T. Nagar

4. Always remember to pee before a long bus journey especially while traveling in night during December. You moving on your seat in anxiety of a mid way stoppage can be viewed as an obscene act by the fellow passengers.

5. Never forget to carry a mp3 player along with you because “Numerical statistics on snoring shows at least 30% of the adult population and perhaps as many as 50% of people in some demographics snore”

6. Always get a background check on the person from the bride side facilitating liquor in the marriage (off course in a hidden manner, in the corner behind the tent) because sometimes he may turn out to be the father of the girl you are trying hitting.

7. Chutiya is not an acceptable form of swearing at home, no matters what argument you say in the favor, you may end up apologizing to a sobbing mother, all night long.

I strongly believe that all the learning’s will help me grow intellectually and become a strong sleeper and traveler in the coming time. I wish you again a great comforting and safe 2010.

Have fun

Thanks and regards,

Pratik Gupta

PS: after all said and done, there is nothing like sharing a single fag among 3 friends in the calm chilly night. Savor these moments while you can.