Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Office Humour - 1

Last night I was thinking to write something but the most irritating thing was, I was not able to find anything in my life worth writing. Nothing funny, nothing weird and not even regular sheer bad luck fiascos of my life. All good, better, ok, worst part of my life is office now. Its not that, I don’t find things happening in office deviated from normal but I prefer not to mention them in Public blog. Ok let’s say until I am working for this firm, Employee non-disclosure agreement prohibits me to. But then today, I realized that I can write on a general principle/policy/Mail-by-HR-for-getting salary which is followed throughout the world. So the first thing which came to mind was this piece which I did on this Diwali as my stand-up-comedian stint (stunt as you better say).


Corporate firms have so many great noble thoughts for their employee. Like they take so much extra efforts to keep them motivated (yeah yeah, I am expecting appraisal next month). Every company has Buddy/mentor/a guy-to-whom-you-never-talk policy where a guy working in the firm for long is assigned to you and you can discuss about your personal/work / pantry food / flush in urinals/hot chick coefficient related issue. I mean they put it this way on paper.


But do you really think it ever happens. The thing is we guys never talk about our personal issues with other guys. We go and ask for fag, we ask for score or sometimes deadlines too but we never ever talk about the roommate listening ‘Tum Mile’ songs from last 1.5 months everyday and neither about the cocky reliance cell alarm buzzing for 2 hours every morning. And trust me, these issues effect your efficiency and that too in badly.


So I have a suggestion for the corporate firms – Change your policy. Don’t scrap it but modify it. I recommend ‘GF Policy’.


Just think, you enter into the office first day and a GF is assigned to you. Now the purpose of your GF is to listen your blah blah, console you while you are sobbing after project review and keep you motivated.


The two most important things which a company demands from a employee is quality and meeting-the-most-unrealistic-deadline-potential. How my suggestion touches upon both the issues, let me explain you with two examples:


Example 1: Mr M has a tendency to leave the office at 8(though office timings are 6:30). Now the manager has a concern that Mr M is not working at full efficiency. He follow the top down approach that is Manager>> HR >> GF. The action is immediately taken and GF approach towards Mr M.


GF – Hey sona, why don’t you complete this work by 9 so that I can submit a report on this by 10 and then we will go for a beautiful dinner. Tum kar loge na jaanu?


Mr M: haan haan, kyun nahin.


Result: Mr M worked continuously from 11-8:30 and get the work done before the given time limit. Job well done!!


Example 2: Mr M is not able to understand a completely new industry, contact experts and suppliers, write a 80 page report along with editing, formatting in 3 weeks. In case, he completes it by above mentioned way then the quality is missing. Again the same cycle Manager >> HR >> GF.


GF: you know what, sheena is teasing me from the morning that Pratik’s report has got a great feedback and you reports is back with a lot of corrections asked again. You know how much hurt i am.You never think about me.


Mr M: no no dear, its not like that. Pratik worked on a report done before and I am working on a completely new industry.


GF: I don’t want excuses. Just tell me- wheter you will get a great feedback for your next report or not?


Mr M..ahh…. Definitely dear. Anything for you…


SEE job well done again!!


So that’s my point. A little changes in the policy and get the desired results. I guess I will be busy with some of my personal commitments (trust me, no gal involved this time. I mean except the one , my brother is marrying) for the coming few weeks but I have decided to keep my eyes/ear open and mouth shut and document some more of the office humor.


PS: Its like a dream coming true. My bro is getting married in Dec. Though he ditched me on the common wedding day plan but I forgive him whole heartedly for giving me the best gift ever – Boni Bhabhi. The day which we imagined so many times, in all so many different scenarios is finally here.


43 comments:

kamlakar.rao said...

i am for this idea

Ashish said...

good one :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@kamla: then its done. Go talk to HR

@ashish: Thankx!

Divya Jay said...

pratik u can go talk to the hr on this! he he

Pratik Gupta said...

@divya: you are on the side with Arthi...please do me this favor na

JUMPER said...

haha... great idea... :p

Nipun said...

gajab dha dia sirji!!
Sumthing which shud be incorporated in colegges also so dat we can study..
Congos for Bhaiya's marriage..
Last tym to hum saath hi naache the..
Ab kota kb aa rahe ho??

Pratik Gupta said...

@jumper: Thanks
@nipun: i will come to kota sometime in Dec and shaadi mein to dobara nachenge...pandit ki shaadi mein [:P]

Phunk... said...

u rock ....nice one....i think there should be a BF policy too:) :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@phunk...Its phunk rite? yeah phunk absolutely but i am dead sure ki BF will end doing work instead of employee

Phunk... said...

@pratik: yeah may that would make our life so easier...but u see i m talkin about mutual benefits here :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@phunk: I am really not sure about the 'mutual benefit' thing....its certainly be a very high price for a benefit

Phunk... said...

well i dont think so....moreover u r gettin paid for somethin which u can enjoy doin ....the mutual benefit thing lies in here ...

Pratik Gupta said...

@hmmm..but you sure BF will be getting what they want?

Phunk... said...

@prat : i guess its always better to have something than nothin in ur hands ...so if u guya r gettin this then i think its more than enuf :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@phunk: are we still talking abpout the offcie policy? [;P]

Phunk... said...

well i guess ...yeah ...where the hell is ur mind driftin u ...dirty mind ppl u ...this is the reason y such policies r not implemented [:p]

Pratik Gupta said...

but things were so much simpler with GF policy...it is this BF policy making things complex...dont you think?

Phunk... said...

i disagree with u....
see it from a gals' perspective ...i have another idea for it too...u can assign 2- 3 BF 's to a gal dependin on the work load on the gal :) :)

Pratik Gupta said...

hahaha.....i put my hands down now...this 2-3 BF thing was ok but the work load on gal thing was lolmax!!!

Phunk... said...

hey u !!!! dont under estimate the work load on gals ....n yes i believe gals works more than guys ...atleast they dont go for SUTTA breaks in b/w ...lolzzz

Pratik Gupta said...

sutta breaks..woh kya hota ...i don know abt that so i cant comment but according to a study done by ICRG - sutta smokers are more eficient workers

Phunk... said...

u dont know wats sutta breaks :) :) biggest joke and yeah tell me one thin they r efficient in which work [:p]

Pratik Gupta said...

Just for your KIND information: http://soumyadut.blogspot.com/2009/08/benefits-of-smoking.html
Enjoy~!~

Phunk... said...

do u want me to give u links of the hell lot of articles on " Smoking is injurious to Health" ??

Pratik Gupta said...

some more:
A study printed in 2001 by Michael Houlihan, et. al. titled "Effects of smoking/nicotine on performance and event-related potentials during a short-term memory scanning task" showed that smoking cigarettes, or more specifically the nicotine in cigarettes, has a positive effect on short-term memory. A "denicotinized" cigarette and a "nicotine-yielding" cigarette were used to show the difference between the amount of nicotine ingested and the effect on short-term memory. This study basically showed that smoking shortens response time and it also positively affects event-related potentials. The response time was more greatly affected so, this shows that nicotine shortens response time by affecting response-related processes.

Pratik Gupta said...

majority is not alwys right

Phunk... said...

So u r not gonna agree this way ....this is the last time i m warnin u tht i will post hell lot of articles in here related to injurious effects of smokin and peaple will start readin those articles instead of ur blog [:p]

Pratik Gupta said...

Maafi behen maafi, mein naadan morkha nasamajh balak badi behen se bhid beitha...i take my words back...you win, i loose...BF policy rocks...smoking kills....now go study for CAT [:P]

Phunk... said...

abey murkh watas kaun kise gyan de raha hai ...CFA gardan oe latak raha hai aur tu tush prani yahan apna amoolya samaya ko barbaad kar raha hai ?[:p]

Pratik Gupta said...

oh its office time i am utilizing :)

Phunk... said...

same pinch bro :0 ;)

apnedilkibaat said...

hehe. Good. Why 1? Is the second one on release? Can I see the trailer?

Abhishek said...

start this in your own firm, your own office and take me as an employee. peon ka kaam bhi chalega! main bai pe line maaroonga!

Ashtung said...

Dear Lord!!! What has happened to u man....

Chanz said...

Hahaha... couldnt stop laughing.. You explained the damn thing so well that I must applaud.. (clap clap clap)

First time here...

:)

Manu Dev Gupta / gilly@iitmadras said...

padh ke lag raha hai company jaake bhi cash hai par aish nahi..:P

Pratik Gupta said...

@JD: second one is under construction. Men at work....

@Abhishek: partner banenge dost and personal secretray my friend...just imagaine...aha!!

@ashutosh: Job do this to you my friend

@Chanz: hey thanks a lot and welcome!! :)

@gilly: you are an IITian my friend.We are doomed, cursed...

Sorcerer said...

hmm... practial..very very brilliant ideas...sheer brilliance..

you should write a book
"Corporate Tricks for dummies"

Quirky said...

Unfair plan I say! Simply coz a BF plan for us galz won't work out the same way ;)

Pratik Gupta said...

hmmm...Quirky i guess the BF will end up doing your work too...so i guess that will be a much better hit plan

Uday said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr.Disha said...

really gud shot...u shud write a book ..on corporate world..