Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Just One Step.

It was a calm chilly night. Just like any other nights. But it was completely different for me. I guess everything seems different when you are standing at the edge of the 20th floor of a building.

I was feeling chilled to the bone when I was standing there. I looked down and I could see everything so small. The cars moving on the road were looking minuscule. It was just like playing games in the childhood all over again, the only difference being that the remote was not with me. The series of street light going in a straight line never seemed to end. I never imagined this face of the city.

I was all alone there, on the roof top. I was depressed. I was in despair. And while I was standing there, I was thinking that just one step will solve all my problems. There will be no more days when I have to wake up afraid of facing the world all over again. There will be no more people to whom I have to give answers. There will be no more office where I will be forced to talk to people. There will be no more parties I am supposed to attend. No more phone calls I have to entertain. I will be free from the mask of sanity and courage that I have been carrying around for the last two years. Above all this, I will be free from my guilt, my own guilt. The guilt of having been a part of such a horrifying act. And all this could have happened, in just one step.

But the last step is not so easy. I was there filled with so many conflicting thoughts. Thoughts about parents, thoughts about friends and thoughts about the good times. I could see flashes of all the people I have ever met in front of my eyes. I could even see some faces which I saw in the bus last night. Every face was giving me a reason to live. But the question was - am I worth their attention? Or rather, do I even care about them now, because that moment was for me, about my life, my pain and my guilt. And today I had a chance to free myself from all of these. All I had to do was to take just one step which would have taken me to a better end.

Then suddenly, while I was deciding to take that one final step, there was this brief moment. The moment when I got numb. That moment was filed with the silence of darkness. I could feel the air piercing right through my heart. I was standing there at the edge of the roof and all I could see was the ground beneath me. There was no pain, guilt, family or friend. It was just me and the ground. I could clearly see the pebbles and polythenes lying there. Everything else was hazy. My mind was not able to move my body and for the first time, it was all blank. Scaringly blank. Free from thoughts, reasons or its after effects. At this stage logic does not work. No matter how deep is your pain, whatever you believe or think, everything comes down to the courage to take that one single step.

And they say, people who commit suicide are coward. I was coward that day who took the hard road down to living the life.


PS: It’s just a work of fiction so I would request my family and friends not to call me and ask about life. It’s still sad, depressing and suicidal. :)

30 comments:

Nipun said...

if its fiction then its okay and if it is not then come to me bhaiya. I will help u in the act..:)
kya flow tha bygod.
Maja aa gaya...:)
Although I think that some thoughts were missing. Dont ask me about those thoughts.
Living the tough lane of Life..

Cheers

Nuts

Someone said...

oh peace, the last line...shit i was thinking where is this 20th floor building in chennai can be..

good read..but why the hell..what is happening? drink beer, fuck fear..

and what is the guilt about?

Chanz said...

I do not agree with Nipun.. This piece was just perfect... Adding or omotting a few details might have spoiled the flow...

Pulkit, you are true good... Loved it... I actually imagined myself in the protagonist's place...

By the way, I dont have your your phone number.. just wanna ask, "hows life" :P

The Flower Of English Grammar said...

I ll call it a Master-piece if you could just stop being GAY!!!...

Pratik Gupta said...

@Nipun: No dude...I am calling to pick up the missing thoughts.... and Thanks for being the first everytime to comment :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@ Someone: Dude just pure fiction...I specifically mentioned 20th floor to clear the doubts from the people's minds that it is Chennai or remotely related to me :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@Chanz: Its Pratik, Not Pulkit :( ...gimme your number and I will message mine :)
Life is chill, cool , jhakaas, Bindaas.... Thanks for asking :)
And I am so glad that you liked it :) :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@Flower Grammar: Cant stop loving you..... :)

Ashtung said...

thumbs up... unlike u, i'm not gonna read between the lines and take it at face-value

aniket said...

Liked the line about the mask of sanity and courage.

And eventually people do realize that they are not single entities. So many lives are entwined with ours that it would be too inhuman to think of just our own life, without considering the effect on others. :)

sandeep said...

hadh ho gayi.. emotional atyachar

saurabh said...

wow!! this is some new shit :P
awesome writing dude..

Nipun said...

@ chanz

Try out such things and u will come to know about those thoughts..:)
I haven't tried them though..

@ pratik bhaiya

Thanku mat bola kro.
Gift bhej dia kro ghar pe.:)
Love ur posts really!!
And yes stop being a gay every time.

Pratik Gupta said...

@Aniket : thanks Thanks for the comment !!

@Sandeep: Hardik maafi for the atyachar :)

@Jadoo: Yesh dude....Some more hard solid shit :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@Ashtung: Dude...what has happened to you...Is Mu Sigma doing this to you...tell me!!

Chanz said...

@ Pulkit, oops Pratik : Sorry about the goof up. You know, there are so many people (guys, precisely) with names pratik and pulkit these days.. I think u should change your name to something like Shaikh-Abdullah-e-Pratik. That will definitely help me remember.. :P

and yes, u r really good..

@ Nipun : Thanks but no thanks.. M not interested in trying that out.. :D

Ashtung said...

errr? elaborate?

Insignia said...

The emotions seemed real. Very nicely described. So far so good. :-)

Abhishek said...

I'm going to focus on the story and what I liked and how I say it in my own words: "I am neither cowardly enough to shy away from whatever I have to face; nor am I courageous enough to leave all that I have."

Chandrika Shubham said...

If u took that last step then I would not have read this post. :)

PS : Interesting friction. :)

The Holy Lama said...

It's no good either way when you are depressed. can't say whether it is being brave or being a coward to live life on. But most of us do carry on, adjust, try forget, hope for tomorrow and just go on. Seems meaningless at times but as you said we all have too many strings attached and better get released when master puppeteer(uparwala) decides to.
Superlative post.

Kelly said...

I'm glad to read this is fiction. Having depression myself, I believe the feelings and words conveyed in this post are elegant and honest and shows real depth of understanding. Great work.

Shruti said...

You surpass yourself..emotional atyachaar ki lowest khai to bhi paar kar diya...

Pratik Gupta said...

@Chanz: Grrrrr....!!

@Ashtung: Dude you have changed after joining Mu sigma...get a life bro!!

@Insignia: Thank you, Thank you very much !!

Pratik Gupta said...

@Abhishek: Well said and True enough!!

@Chandrika: hahaha.Right!!

@The Holy lama: Glad that you liked it :)

Pratik Gupta said...

@Kelly : I am so glad that you liked the post and Thanks for appreciating it.

@Shruti: Look who is speaking...May be I should have put a little Edward Cullen episode too in this to interest you :)

Rashmi said...

WOW! that was gripping1
Nice write-up buddy...
Keep it up.

Pratik Gupta said...

@Rashmi - Hey thanks !! I will try my best to keep it up.

Sorcerer said...

good work mate

Dude...you are just tired!!
Just wash your face and go to sleep.
first thing tomorrow...Drink beer and hunt down chicks!

Pratik Gupta said...

@Sorcerer: Thanks for your advce...It was very effective :)
Details sometime in some post.