On love and Relationship - 2

I have always been a great fan of Vatsa. In fact he was one of the people who were my source of inspiration for blogging. But lately I have been out of touch from his site. The reason – lack of shitoons. Now all of you who don’t know Vatsa, he is a great writer. he has a great site where he write about his experiences in life Plus He has a special section on his site called ‘shitoons’ where he draws cartoons depicting the shit around us. So this week, finally one more shitoon came up and I went back to site and came across this article.

Now in the article, Vatsa has beautifully and I must say daringly represented his take on his feeling about love and relationship. Now the feelings are very complicated things especially when they keep changing with time. Some people say, it’s a sign of growing and some say, you are going crazy. So whatever may be the reason, the post helped me to figure out a tones of things about myself, the side of myself from which I was not aware.

Note: From here on ‘Feeling’ represent love/pyaar/infatuation etc etc.

I had a strong bonding from feelings since I was 5 year old. it started with my first love at the age of 5, then it switched on to a English teacher, a new girl coming to school in grade 6 and many more till I get off to college.

I got into my first serious relationship during the freshmen year of my college. It went on for 2 years. One of the best time of my life. Although it ended disastrously. And it was so much horrible that the folk tales are still heard and said in the countryside areas.

But this relationship taught me so much. First thing was, she made me realized about the importance of being a good person in life. I was a really selfish, self engrossed kind of person before i met her. Always aiming for the things, for which I was not meant for. She helped me to realize, who I really am. What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses. I guess that was the first step of my life towards growing as they say.

So after my relationship ended, I didn’t feel to go in the relationship for a year. I guess I was still not over her.

But after that I felt that the best way to ‘move on’ is to get a new love. But as they say, you never get the love when you search for it. But I kept on trying. In next one year I met with a series of girl only to realize that if a girl is cute, then she don’t have sense of humor. If she has sense of humor, then she is not able to understand me. The only girl who came closest to my heart was this girl to whom I met in train last Jan. We became friend, used to talk once or twice a week. It was the last time that I really felt something for someone. It went on for 6 months. But she was committed. Never got the guts to mention anything.

After all the chatting, texting, one night stand kind of escapades, I finally realized - What I really want in a girl?

Now I am very much sure that 87.35% of guys don’t know what they want in a girl. There primary factors of evaluation are:

Cuteness and hotness.

That’s all they see and they can’t even differentiate between the two terms.

Cuteness can make your face smile while hotness brings a smile to your dick.

But during the course of time, I figured out that there is so much more which I want in girl. Factors mentioned are in priority order.
1. She must be able to talk sense and understand my nonsense. The first part is easy but trust me it’s the second one which limits my choices so much.
2. I realized that in my relationship, I can’t be the one consoling the partner. I need someone who can handle me and my weird ideas and keep me moving in the right direction. (Oh, BTW I was talking about the life in last sentence: D]
3. This factor is kind of weird. For me the voice of girl really matters. The reason I guess is, god has blessed me with such a beautiful high pitch voice that people mistake me and my mom on call so I just want to have my children a bare minimum average voice.
4. Cuteness
5. Hotness
6. Height. But it’s not more of a choice then a constraint for me.

So I guessed figuring out this thing is so much essential for a guy, because many time we see a cute girl , we put fight for her, if god is with us we might get the girl only to screw up everything since compatibility will not be there.

After figuring out who I really am knowing what I really want was a big step. I thought I know much about life and I am ready for it.

But to be true, the relationship may have ended 2 years ago but I still had feeling for my college ex-gf. I mean seeing her in college used to make my heartbeat jump like anything. There was never been a single day in my life for 2 years after the relationship ended, when I didn’t think about her.

Anyways my college was over. I was set for a job in Delhi. But the fucking recession/bad luck/talent – everything came together and I end up having a better job in Chennai.

I was back in the city again. One day, accidentally I met my college ex gf again. We started talking and hit off quite well. Initially I thought its destiny and we are soul mate, made for each other etc etc. kind of thing in my life. It went on for a couple of month. I had a decent time. We talked, we fight. Regular friendly stuff.

But one day, after spending a great day with her, I was coming back to my place and the only thought in my mind was of " how to pain Anshul". I mean there was nothing about her. This was the first time in my life, when I am not able to or wanted to think about her.

That day, I realized that I was just running for her because I never got the proper closure. We talked for 2 months and cleared a lot of things, unsaid feelings were shared and everything which was an open file was sequentially closed. This was new to me since I felt that I have changed a lot in last 2 years and I don’t want to be with her since both of us are quite different people now. We both want different things in life.

This was a big step of my life. I realized that there is nothing more important in my life then my friends and my family, who were there for me during the hardest period of my life. These are the people who have made the journey of my life, most memorable one and they are still making it.

But then again, the same question. The girl was perfect for me in terms of the criteria, I had in mind. I thought I wanted her for my lifetime. Both my belief were shaken. I was still standing with the same question: who am I and what I want?

In the past 3 months and specially in last 3 nights after reading the Vatsa's post, I have been able to figure out that people change in life. They grow. Their expectation changes.I can be whoever I want, If I am serious about it. You strengths can turn out to be your weakness and you can convert tour weakness into strength. So important thing is to know, what you want in life. I am sure that Family and Friends tops the list by miles. Rest of the things will be figured out with time.

About the relationships, I met a lot of girls in last 2 years. Some of them were really wonderful but I chickened out every single time. Sometime because they don’t use to fit in the profile of the girl I wanted, other time because I guess I was afraid to go into relationship. And not to mention, there were times when I was ditched in a plain and simple manner.

In general, I like to behave as a desperate guy because this is the part of my image, my friends are well aware of and they enjoy it. I also enjoy it when they enjoy Plus I guess I was a little desperate in order to get over the feelings of my ex-gf.

But now I feel that, I don’t have any emotional baggage. I am enjoying my single life. I have got great friends. Yeah I agree sometimes I feel that it would be better if i have someone with me. But that feeling comes and goes. The best thing for me is when I go to sleep, I don’t have any thoughts. I am getting the most calm sleep of my life.

What I know is, I am not going to try for any girl. If I ever come across an interesting girl, and we hit it well then I am not going to chicken out and I am not going to measure her with my 6 point criteria.

I will go where the life takes me because I enjoy the uncertain flow of life.