Office Humour - 1

Last night I was thinking to write something but the most irritating thing was, I was not able to find anything in my life worth writing. Nothing funny, nothing weird and not even regular sheer bad luck fiascos of my life. All good, better, ok, worst part of my life is office now. Its not that, I don’t find things happening in office deviated from normal but I prefer not to mention them in Public blog. Ok let’s say until I am working for this firm, Employee non-disclosure agreement prohibits me to. But then today, I realized that I can write on a general principle/policy/Mail-by-HR-for-getting salary which is followed throughout the world. So the first thing which came to mind was this piece which I did on this Diwali as my stand-up-comedian stint (stunt as you better say).

Corporate firms have so many great noble thoughts for their employee. Like they take so much extra efforts to keep them motivated (yeah yeah, I am expecting appraisal next month). Every company has Buddy/mentor/a guy-to-whom-you-never-talk policy where a guy working in the firm for long is assigned to you and you can discuss about your personal/work / pantry food / flush in urinals/hot chick coefficient related issue. I mean they put it this way on paper.

But do you really think it ever happens. The thing is we guys never talk about our personal issues with other guys. We go and ask for fag, we ask for score or sometimes deadlines too but we never ever talk about the roommate listening ‘Tum Mile’ songs from last 1.5 months everyday and neither about the cocky reliance cell alarm buzzing for 2 hours every morning. And trust me, these issues effect your efficiency and that too in badly.

So I have a suggestion for the corporate firms – Change your policy. Don’t scrap it but modify it. I recommend ‘GF Policy’.

Just think, you enter into the office first day and a GF is assigned to you. Now the purpose of your GF is to listen your blah blah, console you while you are sobbing after project review and keep you motivated.

The two most important things which a company demands from a employee is quality and meeting-the-most-unrealistic-deadline-potential. How my suggestion touches upon both the issues, let me explain you with two examples:

Example 1: Mr M has a tendency to leave the office at 8(though office timings are 6:30). Now the manager has a concern that Mr M is not working at full efficiency. He follow the top down approach that is Manager>> HR >> GF. The action is immediately taken and GF approach towards Mr M.

GF – Hey sona, why don’t you complete this work by 9 so that I can submit a report on this by 10 and then we will go for a beautiful dinner. Tum kar loge na jaanu?

Mr M: haan haan, kyun nahin.

Result: Mr M worked continuously from 11-8:30 and get the work done before the given time limit. Job well done!!

Example 2: Mr M is not able to understand a completely new industry, contact experts and suppliers, write a 80 page report along with editing, formatting in 3 weeks. In case, he completes it by above mentioned way then the quality is missing. Again the same cycle Manager >> HR >> GF.

GF: you know what, sheena is teasing me from the morning that Pratik’s report has got a great feedback and you reports is back with a lot of corrections asked again. You know how much hurt i am.You never think about me.

Mr M: no no dear, its not like that. Pratik worked on a report done before and I am working on a completely new industry.

GF: I don’t want excuses. Just tell me- wheter you will get a great feedback for your next report or not?

Mr M..ahh…. Definitely dear. Anything for you…

SEE job well done again!!

So that’s my point. A little changes in the policy and get the desired results. I guess I will be busy with some of my personal commitments (trust me, no gal involved this time. I mean except the one , my brother is marrying) for the coming few weeks but I have decided to keep my eyes/ear open and mouth shut and document some more of the office humor.

PS: Its like a dream coming true. My bro is getting married in Dec. Though he ditched me on the common wedding day plan but I forgive him whole heartedly for giving me the best gift ever – Boni Bhabhi. The day which we imagined so many times, in all so many different scenarios is finally here.

LOL

For the past few weeks life has been so damn busy that only thing for which I try to sneak free time is reading articles on Sachin. It has been my only entertainment source and specially completing 20th year and all the media limelight and tones of articles is taking up all the time. Personally, the record of 2 decade doesn’t excite me because I have been cheering all through his career and I don’t need a day when I should stop and look back at all the great moments. The time to retrospect is still not here and I don’t want to feel that way now for sure.

The only thing that forced me to write today is a comment from Imran Khan. In his own words- “If there is one area in which Sachin is ahead of his contemporaries, it is focus. Inzamam-ul Haqwas possibly even more gifted, but Sachin was more successful due to his commitment and focus”

Dude… are you serious ? Only ‘focus’ ? ? That’s all he has ? ? Or it is the only English word you know?

And who is this Inzy??

The same guy who is famous for getting himself out in the most bizarre fashion possible. I guess I remember him falling on to his own wicket after an attempted sweep shot. Yeah, now I remember. He is that same fellow who starts every prize presentation ceremony with "Bismillah(In the name of Allah)” followed by a rape session of the English language along with “ladke acha khele” & “allah ka shukra hai”

I so badly want to rape this moron named Imran khan, always living in a self created illusion that Inzy is the best and that he was the one to identify him. I agree he is good, probably best in the last decade of Pakistani cricket. But for being great- you need much more than focus. You should be able to balance yourself atleast, that is for sure. If you don’t want to join the party, sit back and watch a hugh grant movie. Dont start blabbering around.Rameez is perfectly doing this job on your behalf. I am sure, it must be a dream job for him. Saying anything and getting paid.

There is so much more to write but deadlines, CFA & CAT…..whoof!!

I should get back to work.

Master, Idiot and a friend

Today was the day when the long lasting wait of 11 years comes to end. The day which will be marked in history, in memories and in cricket books forever. The man has showed his metal again. Proved again why he is a genius. The master was always there but today it was blaster yet over again. You can feel from the moment he threw the ball on ground in disgust after taking a superb catch off the last ball. The fire was there. Determination oozing from the body language.

The target was never supposed to be achieved but it was a matter of good fight for all the world except one. He who was sure that nothing is impossible. Rest of the team was trying to be a part of a lost battle but a single soldier lead the whole battle alone. He used all his experience. Gave strike to sehwag, took control after he departs, torn away the debutants, conserved his energy for a while foreseeing the fierce last round. Everything was way too perfect, completely planned. The sprain was not there, the straight lofty shots over the bowlers head were back and even a pull displayed a long forgotten weapon.

But no matter how much you plan or get determined, the body asks for his debt. But today there was nothing which could come in between him and his target. The army was strong on papers but the target to conquer defeated them without even trying. The master then used the new soldiers who were unaware of the fear, who was there happy on the chance of being on the other end of the master. But sight of a single man fighting alone, gave the strength to them which they never would have imagined.

Pointing was helpless, hauritz was torn apart and Watson was ineffective. The victory was near but a desperate attempt to reach it faster took it all away. The rest was just a trump of cards running wildly on the field in the hope of win. But ozzies was cautious and they made no mistake. Still the master has taken the pride of victory from them. The game will be remembered for just one person and his brilliant efforts.

In our society we used to play cricket like everyone. We used to keep a brick as the bowling end stumps and the probability of hitting it was like 1/Avogadro number. Consequently, we used run to the middle of the pitch each time the ball connected the bat and still managed to return safely. Especially if the other team consists of players like Lala, Munna, Raju and Kallu. May be its time for Jadeja to realize that international cricket has nothing similar to galli cricket. There are 3 stumps (covering a total area of 0.1 sqaure metres) at the bowling end to aim at while the opposition has players like Ponting whose probability of missing the stumps is as much as the probability of seeing Halley's comet. Stop running around you fucking idiot.

It was all the fucking nostalgic feeling all over again today. 1 more great friend left the place for a better future. I never thought after coming out of IIT. I could meet a person with such a same frequency but I was way too wrong. It all started with the little break session, followed by combined studies and then reached to 24*7 fart level. Mudit was the finance god as it was told me but he was much more than that. The greatest taste of music I ever seen in a person, a friend, a mentor, a philosopher (yeh to LOL ho gaya). Okay to be very true, he was one more guy in my life with whom I have evolved in life. I realized so many things about people, about world and about myself. Life in Chennai was so much fun with him and it will not be same now. It so fucking awful when you are not the person leaving the place. But nothing can fade away the memories of the night we ‘Stripped’ [not literally, its just the tag given to the night of self exploration). "ek baar 3 log bike par ja rahe the"....... i promise they will go again some day

All the best dude!! Keep rocking the world!!

PS: LCP rocks [:D]

Society, World peace and The Absolute Truth

It has been a great weekend with a hell lot of good movies back to back. Started by the awesomest, must watch ‘District 9’, followed by ok types ‘Ugly truth’, a decent but clichéd ‘The proposal’, a good hindi comedy after a long time ‘All the Best’ and repeat watch of the greatest script ever written ‘The man from earth’. But the one which was the topic of the weekend was Woody Allen’s ‘Whatever works’.

It was my first woody Allen movie and I am really cursing myself to miss all his work for such a long time. It’s going to be Woody Allen movie weekend in not so distant future. The thing which attracted me most was the way he describes the Society. he has this unique approach towards the norms of society which are imposed on us and we follow them like a pet animal without arguing about it. Whosoever do, we tag them as crazy and put them on bloody pills.

Me and my friend Mudit started discussion around 12 in the night continued till 4:30 in the morning. The discussion started with the theory that all the wars/uprising/revolution has occurred to attain equality. Two groups in society, one group harassing other and latter one revolting. Same old story. But the great thing is we are still nothing close to attain that. The imbalance is the inherit property of the nature and we should accept it.

The other thing was, there has been terrorism in all the centuries in one form or the other. Today it is terrorism, before that it was fascism, colonialism, crusade etc. The thing is whatever we do, this will not end. This is inherent nature of our species. If we curb terrorism, then something else will crop up. So don’t expect ‘World Peace’. Just pass your lifetime and enjoy the life while you can.

Now coming back to society. I believe society is the greatest conspiracy of the world. I read one article in which it was mentioned that etiquettes was imposed by the ‘higher class’ people to distinguish from the society. It started at that time and by now we all accept that fact that it is civilized to eat using fork. Just be logical for a sec and think, how can you judge a people with the thing whether he eats by fork or hand. It is goddamn food meant to be eaten.

The roots of this conspiracy are so deep that we don’t even feel rational to question them. Let me give you one more example.My friend was playing a guitar and suddenly he stopped playing and told me it was a wrong note. I thought on this issue and realized that how it would have occurred. Sometime back in 1200 AD, 10 people met. 1 played some music which he likes. The rest 9 of them disliked it. They tagged it as wrong note and it continued century to century because some bunch of morons who were in majority decided so. How the fuck can you judge the music. It’s all based on perspective. I believe all the rules, regulation and notions are the opinion of the people who were in majority at certain time when these were originated. But decision of majority doesn’t make the opinion of minority wrong. One thing which always amazes me is that we create so much hype on human murder but none of them says anything against murder of chicken. Who are we to decide that human life is more valuable than the chicken’s life.

Then we came on the final part of our discussion. THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

In our life everything is relative. Let it be happiness, pain, hunger, thirst. I mean everything ranging from your feel to wealth, love to education, success to failure. Nothing is absolute. Now if you notice there is only thing which is absolute that “NOTHING IS ABSOLUTE”. Is this the truth what we search throughout our life.

We felt so enlightened that night.

IITians

A great great article

The Tune She Hums

I have been a decent music lover since my high school. One of the greatest things about this passion is that your life gets chronologically attached to the specific songs. For example: Vikas bhalla covers grade 7-9, stereo Nation takes grade 10, Sathiya was on in 11^th and Lucky Ali in grade 12^th similarly every old song remind me of certain phase of my life.

Later the addiction increased and the theme music of certain things started putting tag on my life. The best tag has been the starting music of ‘How I met your mother’. This reminds me the greatest days of my life. The days when I was with the biggest assholes of the world. The days when we used to collect 5 bucks from 7 people, Marlboro was the luxury, minute maid was a dream and Idli-sambhar was the destiny.

So coming back to the tune part. Last week HIMYM started airing again and the same tune was there. So many things started flashing again. Damn those days.

The week was followed by a reunion in Bangalore. But it is an accepted fact now that the reunion is never going to be complete. Everyone will never be together again. This time it was sajal, sumedh, Vipul, Rajat, Jadoo and achar missing but luckily lot of people were there. Trust me, reunion is such a bad idea when you have to come alone back to Chennai. The trip was way too awesome. But trust me, the huge spending ( 11k mine and 18k Ravi) will never ever give the feel of those days. Fuck this money!

Anyways it was a great meet. Usually great Anshul’s butt-Fucking session, Kshitiz’s “ OOOO Naaaa” [My dear cousins, Please buzz me for more details on OOO NAA], HRC, Absolute, VAT 69, UB city etc etc. But I have made a note to myself to avoid reunions until I am in Chennai.

SPARKS rocks

OOO NAA double Rocks!!

Random facts

These are some of the facts i came across on Google search:

You have less of a chance being killed by a falling piano then you do of being adopted by Angelina Jolie....statically speaking ( Courtesy: Abstruse goose).

Did she has any Indian kid???

Aiken et al. (2002) reported that for every patient added to a nurse’s workload, the patient’s risk of dying within 30 days of admission increased 7% (link)

Now take a sec and Imagine Indian Government hospitals and calculate your survival probability

What i was doing on abstruse goose: well, i was just working in office.

And what about Medical Journal: That was some serious fun.

When Hari meet Silly

'First Love' – the name itself sounds so beautiful. They say, you never forget your first love. They say it’s one of the best feeling in your life.

I was not sure because I was 5 year old. I didn’t know much about the pehle pyar ka ahsaas but it was surely different.

1992- summer vacation

I went to Jaipur. My aunt was there. Now they introduced me to some of the mohalle wale bache to keep me busy from bugging them. There I saw her for the first time. I played with her, I talked with her, I ate with her and I knew there was some connection between us. I don’t know any time in my life when 4 days passed so instantaneously.

I went to the market and got a pair of earring for her. My first gift to anyone on this goddamn earth (I was an expert back thenJ). She gave me a pencil sharpener having a shape of dinosaur or cartoon something.I came back and I kept that sharpener in my showcase for 3 years and as time passes by memories fade away.

1999 – Brother marriage

It was one of the most anticipated marriage I attended in my life. I reached jaipur again and try looking out for her. 7 years do a lot to your look, your physique. Mine looks got deteriorated, 27ml oil in hair everyday ensured black shining chipke hue baal but height was the same. I didn’t know about her. I scanned all the people and I was having doubt on 2 girls but didn’t have the guts to ask.

Day1 passed - No result

Day 2 passed - ZUKK!!

It was final last day. Last 8 hours in jaipur. Luckily destiny played its role again. One of my cousin introduced her to me. I asked if she remember me and she said ‘yes’. (In my mind: do you take pratik….’Yes’!!).

It was a long night. We spend the whole night together talking about everything what a grade 7 student know. (Damn! I knew so much less that time). It was farewell time. We said goodbye to each other. exchanged Postal Addresses.

2000 – My birthday

I received a card. Card saying happy birthday by spray painting. One of the most beautiful gift I ever received. I decided to send a thanks card. I learned spray painting and returned the favor in the exact same way.

2007 – Summers

My Brother got transferred from Jaipur to Hyderabad. He came to kota and we met. He told me that she is in Hyderabad now. She has become air hostess now. I thought I am doing graduation from IIT as well. Not bad a pair. (Still the Height was same) I was looking for an excuse to talk to her somehow. Suddenly my brother cell phone ringed and it was her call. I grabbed the cell from him and this time we talked for 2 hours straight. She was steward in Hyderabad-Chennai flight. I was studying in IIT Chennai. We decided to meet sometime in Chennai.

I was damn sure that she was ‘The one’ for me. Destiny is playing its role. ‘Aur Pratik ne pyar ke sunahre sapne sanjoye’

But it was me. Everything going normal doesn't seems normal to me.

I lost my cell while coming back to Chennai, so the number.

That Hyderabad Chennai Flight never came to Chennai and the Dream meeting remained a dream.

1 year later( 2008)

My brother called me .

Bro - hey wassup?

me - nothing much. Same ol' life.

Bro - Let me add some spice to it.

Me - Sure. Shoot

Bro - You remember her?

Me - oh yeah...that one. I remember ( yes yes yes bro, i do remember)

Bro- so take a good news. She is getting married in2 months.

Me - Oh really!! good for her. ( crying, crying out loud......)

Bro (cunningly) - you dont sound happy.

Me - Its just that your spice was quite a lot spicy for me.

Last week (2009)

I again got the call from my Brother.

Bro - hey wassup?

me - nothing much. Same ol' life.

Bro - Let me add some spice to it.

Me - No, not this time. Last time it was too much for me.

Bro- okay, then a good news.

Me - Sure, that sounds cool.

Bro- you are uncle now. She gave birth to a girl last week.

Me - Oh really!! good for her ( &*^^&& )

Anyways this is the story of my 18 year long love story. and SO NOW I KNOW – ‘YES, YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST LOVE’

PS: God bless her!!